a glimpse into my home

we renovated our home three years ago.my sis gifted this nightlamp to me, which i have hung just as we enter into the lobby. i love its glow at the night time because it gives me the impression of some planet. this is one of my favorite things in the house, hope u like it too.

favorite quotes

if you are lonely when you are alone, you are in bad company.
---by sartre
mind unfettered by rules could recreate the world.
--sartre
we can choose to abandon ourselves passively to the prevailing state of affairs,conform to status-quo-thus reducing ourselves to a mere object among objects or we can choose to transcend what is given,by projecting ourselves authentically towards a new horizon of possibility.
we are what we make of ourselves.
---sartre
i used to think like that,i still do, but as i'm under strong influence of my husband,i get a bit confused. being different leads to maladjustment.
mo(my husband) impresses upon me that being ordinary is perfectly normal. at least normal people donot suffer from depression or neurosism.it's good to follow the society's commands and live with your head held high.moreover you are happy. and happiness is what we all want. i'm glad he is there to keep my sanity intact, taking his word i'v tried to live like ordinary people and quite enjoyed it.still something in me keep revolting,i love to make my own rules and live life on my own terms,it's so suffocating to act like dumbs,having no free will.
it does not mean that i 'm toatally antisocial,i believe in truth, goodness and love for all.a person who follows these principles cannot be a threat to the society, but there are some very personal choices which should not be dictated by the society.a man without a personal viewpoint,and ideology cannot help society progress.

life...life...life.....

yesterday my husband brought home a load of files and decided to complete his report at home.it was a very hot day. temprature is already crossing forty,and by eight in morning you are drained.he did his work on the p.c. so i and my daughter were feeling like fish out of water.(we dont have our personal p.c.'s)it was a long and boring morning,the morning turned into afternoon and he was still at his work.there was'nt anything good showing on the tv-the day seemed endless.when he took a break for lunch, he suddenly said"it's a short life!".....i was taken back a bit,cos i have been thinking quite the opposite---life is so long and boring--day is so long and boring--morning-afternoon-evening-everything seem so long.
the thing saddened me a bit-this is the difference brtween me and him,he loves life-he loves his work-he is looking forward to the next day,he is so full of life and energy every morning that sometimes i feel i can't cope with it.cos i never greet my mornings,it's not that i do'nt do my work,i send my son to school at seven then my husband to his office at nine but something in me keep cursing the day,why do i have to face it,why does the night end-what do the mornings bring to me--i stubbornly resist the day-refusing to give in-i slump in the chair or the bed or couch ,whichever is nearest resisting action,these are my hours of daily depression,which last till say twelve or twelve thirty,but at that hour i get hold of myself, prepare myself to face another day and jump to my feet and drown myself in the mundane routine of clearing the mess,making beds,then make the lunch-yes making lunch i enjoy-my son can tell what i have cooked tha moment he enters the front door(at two thirty-thirty) and i love to watch him enjoy his meal and for that i'm happy to be alive-wow ....what great purpose to go on-yea but that is the only thing that keeps me going on-to see the smiles on the faces of my children-and i'm glad i have to go through the drudgery of daily routine, cos at least it pulls me o0ut of my daily bouts of depression.
so it's a short life for some and it's a long life for some...

this will pass too...

this will pass too.. are the words that i read on a wall poster ,in 1999,dec. when my son,then aged eight had to be hospitalised for persistent fever.i'll never forget those twenty days of my life.my husband was posted around two thousand miles away at that time and it took at least one and a half day to get back,i had to take my son to hospital because he fell unconscious due to high fever and to me it appeared the only logical solution.i wish i had used some common sense and sprinkled some cold water to revive him,he would have been spared from endless bloodtests,injections and torture .after performing lumbar-puncture(twice) they ruled out brain-fever,(ha ha),then they ruled out typhiod,and malaria,then tuber-culosis-!after keeping him there for more than seven days they were still unable to diagnos anything hence no proper medication was started.the fever persisted and he got weaker and weaker each day,he would not let me out of his sight for a sec,and i was crumbling inside.he was hospitalised on eleventh of dec., and i remember it was on twenty fifth dec(christmas day)that i stepped out of the building for the first time since he was a bit better and agreed that i could go to my mother's place,(which was at a walking distance)for half an hour and bring him some soup and sandwitch.
the hospital is a christian missionary one.my father worked there for thirty years.we were brought up in its campus. so the place is very familiar and dear to me. coming out of the building,my first thought was----i saw the sky after such a long time,there is a church round the corner,and like every year it was budging with activity,every face was excited no one knew what i have been through,i walked the pavement..my heart filled with childhood memories and a little heavy with my presnt state of mind.
this was the first time in my life that i felt so much pain,grief ,fear andhelplessness.and the simple line..THIS WILL PASS TOO--worked magic.i got so much strength and hope that the words have stuck with me,they work in each situation-small or big.when i have a cold or fever i know it's only a matter of say forty-eight hours,when i have a fight with my husband i know tomorrow will be another day,when i 'm down and depressed i know this will pass too.
PS: My son was discharged from hopital on twenty-ninth december ,around five kilos lighter,our pockets were lighter by around thirty thousand rupees,the disease was not dignosed,they said it was simple viral fever!

letting go

what i mean to say is are'nt the birds more sophisticated- they are well-equipped tohandle their old-age rather than human beings,
should not we be financially qand emotionally so balanced in our oldage that we present a happy picture to our kids, so that they can njoy their life with their own kids without having to worry about the old parents left behind-

are we the wisest

i sometims question the human race's claim to be the wisest-if we are the wisest then why this chaos in the world of rlaqtionships, i m not bothered about other spheres, but the rules of our civilised existense-social norms , values , are not leadind us to a life of harmony and peace,.take the cas of birds-they mate- make a nest-lay eggs- then feed their young ones and after a few days prepare their young ones to fly out of their nest, out of their wings, out of their protection.that's that. they miss their young ones but donot ask for anything in return from the young ones.but we the human-being refuse to let go of our children, we emotionally blackmail them for having taken good care of them, for having providing thm good education and spending a large chunk of our earning on them. when their time to fly away comes w chain them to lookafter us,if we allow them to go far away from us we never forget to repeatedly remind them that how much we miss them,i mean what of the poor kid-- he cant enjoy the youthful tims without secretly having a load of guilt in his heart.

calender blues

i often wonder why cant we know the date of our death, i mean it's coming every year ,every year we live through that date never knowing what it's gonna bring one day-then again imagine there are three-sixty-five days in a year and if we count our dear ones they may cross one hundrd mark- oh no --will every third day in a calender be somebody's death date-
this is the irony of time, when we are young we have only birthdays, or some other dates of our firsts(!) to rmember and as the years go by we have to live through these tragic dates